Getcher Fresh Confessions right here!!

Maybe your house guest knows how to do roofs? Just a thought.
I confess that I am just back from helping my DH put his extremely unwilling mother into a "memory care" section of an assisted living place. It was very hard on all of us. She is angry and furious at us. My DH and I are guilt ridden but haven't had much success helping her live alone in her own home. She refuses outside help when she is at home -- no Hospice nurse ( she has cancer), no Meals on Wheels. She has had several bad accidents in her home. We couldn't let her stay there any longer and she would not have done well living with us since she needs 24 hr. per day care and we aren't around 24 hours per day. . It is with guilt and sadness that we did this, but it seemed like the best decision under the circumstances.
Now we have to get her lined up with a TV, enough comfortable clothes for the day and night clothes for the night.
I leave on Satuday with a friend for the farm in Mississippi for two weeks. I have so much to do between now and then. I hope to take two Louisana iris cultivars with me on this trip and to plant them while I am there. Hopefully there will be lots of LA iris at the farm one of these days. To practice, I cooked turnip greens last night. They were delicious! Talk about a local dish. I bet it would not be easy to sell turnip greens here in the rockies, but they are incredibly nutritious and delicious if you have a taste for bitter greens which I do. Hopefully I will find time to make a big pot of them at the farm as well.

Oh, Paja, I do love your strong and beautiful spirit, and I can't begin to imagine how difficult these kind of life decisions about your Mother are. Sending love and calming thoughts your way...

Brenda

Sorry, I said mother, but it is my mother-in-law. My mother has been deceased for some time.

Paj, hope your M in Law, has somewhat settled into her new home, don't be guilty. We must all realize the probabilty of that taking place. I am still at age 83 able to live in my own home.

And do have a good time in MISS. and enjoy the weather. Today a heat wave here, only got down to 29 last night. Cloudy and the possibilty of rain.

Donna

Congrats on the house Kyla. This is an excellent time of year for moving plants around since it's cooler and moister and they can survive a bit more neglect.

Paj, have fun on the farm! Is this a working trip or a relaxing trip or both? I hope your MIL makes some new friends and decides it's not such a bad place after all. I dread the day my parents or in-laws need full time care.

Picante, after several years of ballroom dance classes my balance is pretty good. I was hoping to drag DH back to dance class now that his leg is healed but now he has another excuse to not go.

O WOWSER lot's has happened. Hugs to all! I confess I am very cranky because my dahlias are still in the ground and bulbous things are still in a box in the fridge cuz it's doing this! http://www.theweathernetwork.com/index.php?product=weather_cams&placecode=caab0049&camcode=CMAB0024

Thanks, Donna and all for your kind words about my MIL. I am hoping she will eventually adjust to her new home. We checked several such facilities before making a decision and we believe we picked the very nicest one that had any openings. We were originally put her in a place here in Los Alamos, but they both had waiting lists. And after inspecting them, we thought the one in Los Alamos was much nicer -- brighter, cheerier, more services.
Yes, having been through this, I hope I will accept it gracefully if and when I have to go to assisted living or memory care or whatever. The doctor assures me that I will be just as angry as my MIL when the time comes. He probably knows from experience. DH and I are emotionally drained and I am washing clothes to bring down to her this afternoon. She had apparently not washed clothes in quite a while and until now would not allow anyone else to wash her clothes for her. Now, it is essential that she have clean clothes so I made an executive decision and am washing some.

My condolences on that awful white stuff Dahlia. We got a 1/2 inch of rain last night which was wonder for the new plants I put in the ground on Sunday. But I have so much more to do before I leave!

Katlian, I don't know what it is about DH's but a disappointing number of them refuse to move their bodies on the dance floor -- mine included. I suggested we take dance lessons for exercise and fun -- latin dance, tango, you name it and got the silent treatment. I think I just have to love him for other things -- not his dancing. Of course, I have known that for a long time.

Sorry to hear about your M.I.L., Paja. Very hard on everyone. Our house guest is Kevin's sister from Seattle. The sister and her husband who just lost their daughter will be here tomorrow but are staying at the Santa Fe sister's house. Anyway, it is typical of the communication in my husband's family that no one really knows what anyone else is doing! We just found out about all this last night. I am trying to breathe deeply and continue with what I need to do. This weekend is the garage sale for my friend who needs to raise money for her meds and I really can't cancel out on that. Actually, it might be best for the in-laws to cluster together in a small group right now. Have a good trip to the farm, Paj. Maybe by the time you return your M.I.L. will be calmer.

Sorry you have to go through that with your MIL pajarito. That is not fun. If she isn't able to care for herself, then you don't really have a better choice. Also realize her anger is not at you, but at her condition which she doesn't want to have to face.

Dave that is so true! O, Paj, please be easy on yourself with the guilt part. I guess we who care are just built this way, to feel this kind of thing, but truly you did the best thing, I used to work as a caregiver for people at life's end many of whom had Alzheimers, and the thing is, we cannot let the emotionalism get to us, and we have to remember they are reacting to something other than what we are actually doing...........

Your MIL is truly truly blessed to have you and your husband to help her and care for her, lord knows there are many elderly folks who have no family worth the name.

Okay, enough of that rant, Dahlia, I would be cranky too, in your shoes there, so sorry!

I am still not able to spend as much time in here as I would like but trying to stay current with everyone.

Paj, I would love some of your turnip greens.......... ;-)

PJ, my god, what an ordeal! Methinks it is draining enough without the guilt.

I keep seeing this very thing in my parents' generation--
Dad is 82, lives alone, and is impossible to help. Short-term memory is gone and he lives for his 2 cats. I suspect he will die at home, unless he talks himself into some other arrangement, because he won't be persuaded to do anything.

MIL broke her ankle and had to go to assisted living for 6 months. She was extremely angry and uncooperative. Physical strength was what she needed for them to release her, but she refused to do physical therapy.

It's very tough when people who don't trust the medical system (for good reason) get stuck in it and given drugs they don't want. My MIL would go from angry and negative and depressed to chipper and pleasant. Then we'd wonder which state was with drugs and which was without. ??????

My M.I.L. is in terrible shape and can barely walk or almost even breathe on her own. My F.I.L. is exhausted all the time caring for her ( and himself ) at home. They are both 90. They want to stay out of assisted living at any cost and will not have any help at home unless it is family. He still drives! And that is pretty scary. As an in-law, my job is to support my husband in his dealings with them and to help him with whatever he wants to do or not do. I am very fond of his parents and I have learned to hold back on my opinions about their situation. It isn't really up to me. Now, my parents were another story! My dad died young. After my beloved step-father died, I did have to put my mother in to a nursing home. It was a long process with many alternatives tried along the way. Amazingly, she did very well and made one new, dear friend near the end of her life! She understood and accepted her situation and made the most of it. For all the problems we had over the years ( and there were Many ), she was just excellent about her decline and death! Go figure. I couldn't have asked for a better example.

Sometimes I think its better to die at home and happy than being "cared" for in one of the institutions for the elderly. A friend of mine (late seventy something) died a couple years ago. She was doing well but fell and wrenched her knee really badly. She had to stay in a hospice for a while. The lack of care there resulted in her getting an infection that she didn't recover from. She didn't live in quite the same reality I did, but that wasn't really that important.

I agree with Dave. And I think we all walk in somewhat different realities, which is one of the things that makes life interesting.

I had an artist friend who had to be in a nursing home although she was not old, because she had multiple schlerosis. She was a major handful for them, to say the least. With all the things she had to cope with, I did not wonder that she was difficult. I rather suspect I might have been a lot worse under the same circumstances, even though the staff was mostly doing the best they could.

As I watch my friends cope with their elderly parents in various ways, I realize not having to do that with mine is an unexpected benefit from having my parents die so young. Given the choice, I would have had them live longer, but it is what it is. And my parents would have been maximally uncooperative I am sure!

For myself, I am having some legal papers made that assigns guardianship to a dear friend of mine should I need it. I definitely do not want my daughter making any decisions for me. I already had been making these plans anyway but the situation of late confirmed my thoughts on it all. Even though I have been within a whisper of dying twice during the past couple of months my daughter is so immersed in her own emotional story and financial concerns she has not been calling or anything at all to see how I am doing, although I told her clearly what was happening.

It is odd because DH's family has been wonderful, flying up from New Mexico to help, etc. My friends and gallery clients have rallied in a surprising and humbling manner. Cripe, even my bitter enemies here in town who have not spoken to me since a political collision a few years ago in which I helped publicly expose their lies suddenly buried the hatchet and offered to help! So who needs birth family when everyone else is there to support one? Life is indeed a peculiar experience...

Oh Mulch, you said it.

BTW, it's great to hear from you. Was thinking many Mulchly thoughts for you on Monday. (Don't know if I got the date right, but wasn't that your dental surgery?)

Amen, mulch. It is so hard to know what to expect. Birth family can be a major disappointment, friends and community members can be a major delight. I have experienced both. I do hope your health improves and soon, but it is good you are making your final wishes known. We are definitely lucky that my MIL did that, but she has gotten so crazy that we could easily have gotten them if we didn't have them.
Dave, most of us would prefer to die at home, but it is hard to let your parent live alone in squalor without eating or drinking. In fact, it is close to criminal. The fact is, the mind and the body go at different times -- some times, one first, some times the other. For the rational dying at home is probably best. For the others, probably hospice care is better. But it is important to visit the hospice and make sure it is a sanitary and decent place before sending anyone there.

Nice to know people really care about you and to have genuine friends. Sorry your daughter isn't there, mulch.

I'm certainly not recommending neglect, pajarito. If someone can't take care of themselves then they do need help. I wouldn't let my parents starve or get sick because they couldn't do for themselves. Its not easy to define where that line is between caring for and letting go.

Thanks all.

It really is not easy to know there to draw that line. One friend of mine is trying to cope with oblivious siblings and elderly failing parents who added alcoholism into the mix. That is a tough one!

In my mother's case it was really easy to draw the line when I had to. She had lung cancer and was in terrible pain. Living alone, she "fell and couldn't get up", for real. Couldn't reach the phone. Fortunately, she had been careless about locking the door, so when the visiting nurse came the next day, there she was. I flew out and started the process of finding a safe environment for her where she could have access to medical care and big-time pain meds, which she wanted. I was thankful that she wasn't choosing to be a martyr. She was lucky to be living in Illinois in a city with several teaching hospitals with geriatric centers nearby. There were many people coming and going all through the facility, which she enjoyed because she loved to see and talk to many kinds of people. She had never been very attached to material things. She soon learned how to get in and out on her own and wandered about at will until she couldn't anymore. She loved her room mate and they liked talking and discussing books and t.v. shows. They enjoyed watching baseball. Living at our altitude here was out of the question for her as she would've needed to be on oxygen all the time. Plus, New Mexico lags considerably behind most states in the quality of medical care. If I'm in that much pain and have no cure, you'd better believe I want to be pleasantly medicated and hanging out with people that I enjoy. But, I'm kind of like my mother. l.o.l. She'd get a kick out of hearing me say that.

I felt like I should add that there was a very unhappy adjustment period both before and during her first month at the nursing home. But, she was more resilient than expected. Pajarito, your M.I.L. might be like that. Sorry to hear about your daughter, Mulch. But, she might come around. Anyway, you are healing and will not be needing a nursing home now or maybe ever!

Thanks, everybody, for all your comments. Now that MIL is in a nursing home we are trying to put our lives back together again -- paying bills, getting teeth filled, all the stuff we didn't have time for in the past few weeks before she went into the "memory unit". I still need to wash more of her clothes and to decorate her room. At least that is what the Kingston people encourage us to do. DH is busy taking care of her financial affairs which are luckily in better shape than her housekeeping.
Now we are both able to go back to Spanish class two nights per week and I am back to my yoga class, also 2 nights per week. DH is now showing up at work more regularly. Getting off to Mississippi will be very pleasant for me and I can't wait but have so much to do before I leave.

Glad life is getting back to normal. Things will get better and then you'll feel better about decision.

I certainly hope so, dave. Normal sounds so good.

Yoga is so good, Paja, for so many reasons. Wishing you all that is good, which includes some time for yourself, as well.

Mulch, keep getting better!!

Brenda

I do hope Mulch that everything is improving for you.

Paja have a great revitalizing time in Mississippi.

Everything is frozen here. Didn't get much of any fall color , first too dry all summer then the very early freeze. I still have ice on the lawn and low shrubbery where I let the sprinkler runn all night a week ago. Is a bit warmer, and we finally had a few hours of gentle rain. The sun is coming up nicely now.

Donna

Out fall has been pretty early this year also. Some spots around the area are in full fall glory, in other the leaves have all ready fallen. We had a very surprising 1/2 inch of rain a few days ago which almost filled my rain barrel which was getting near empty. I have a friend who will come over and water while I am gone since DH will have his hands full. I look forward to balmy weather in the South and to giving the grand tour to my friend who has never been there before.

And guess what, I found that I, too, need a new roof. Groan.

Oh, crimineeeee, PJ. You too? Is it contagious? The reroofing thing?

Donna, our fall color was non-existent, too. Same reason. The leaves are all frozen on the trees, and very few have come down.

I think it is contagious. I am certainly tired of this plague.

Sorry to hear about your roof. You'd better head down south before anything else happens! D.H. has spent much of the day cutting limbs off his beloved apricot trees. They were over the driveway and on the roof. The truck has to park close to the house so all the old shingles can be thrown down in to it. Our house guest missed her plane and we now have no idea when and if she might be here. On a happier note, we had dinner out with relatives last night, just the siblings and spouses. So it was pleasant and easy. No heavy conversations. Just relaxing. Tonight is the big family dinner at the parents but I don't have to go! My M.I.L. is tired out by large groups and I volunteered to lighten her burden! Plus, I have not been able to get a flu shot which makes the F.I.L. nervous. I talked to a pharmacist today and he says the city is out of vaccine. And this is just the regular flu shot. He said to wash hands a lot and stay away from crowds. I asked if drinking vodka would have an antiseptic effect on my innards and he said he didn't see why not. I wonder if I have any? Another confession is that two of my gambogee fish are still alive and I will have to bring them in for the winter soon. But, it got up to 75 here today! Egad!

Are we having a roof revolt? It sure sounds like it. Verrrrrry interesting about the vodka vaccine roybird. Crantini anyone?

Revolting roofs, oh dear.
[Note to linguist self: If we can pronounce "roofs", we can pronounce "leafs".]

It's high time to replace flu vaccines with alcohol, IMO. At least the alcohol doesn't have mercury in it.

Leaves rooves and hooves. It's Santa's reindeer who caused all the roof damage by kicking their shoes off and dancing around! Vandalism. Can I sue Santa? Will my homeowners insurance cover it?

Didn't have anything to do with the hail this summer --- naaah. I will sue Santa.

LOL, good job having a sense of humor about it all, Roybird! So sorry about your roofs... both of you. And I surely hope it is NOT contagious! I am a firm believer in the medicinal value of alcohol, not so much flu vaccines. (I'm not a big fan of many 'pharmaceuticals', btw).

As I said on the SW Gardening forum, to prevent the flu, I play in the dirt and let my body build up it's own natural good stuff. Also, I really try to stay away from people who are sick. Nothing used to aggravate me more when I managed a real estate office than when people would come in the office to work when they were sick. Shared phones, bathrooms, office kitchen... you know everyone is going to get sick.

You won't get much out of it. He's declared bankruptcy. (Can a non-profit do that?)

Oops, cross-posted with Brenda.

This message was edited Oct 15, 2009 5:39 PM

Santa has declared bankruptcy? I can understand why... all those kids expecting more and more each year... but oh so sad...

Being Santa is a lot to live up to!

Poor Santa! It was those flying deer. He should have llamas. They would be cuter because of their long eyelashes. As for our roof, it was not unexpected. Expensive and a major hassle. I hope it is not as bad as I think it will be.

If Santa had Llamas he would be covered with Red and GREEN. They vomit rumen contents on anybody who wants something they don't want to do.

Yep, the Airborne Deer Division was quite expensive to maintain. But mainly, he is planning on taking some time off from toymaking, because, believe it or not...

Santa has ALWAYS wanted to take ballroom dance lessons.