Florida Gardening: How about a Florida Forum Banner?, 1 by lourspolaire

lourspolaire wrote:
Val, Hap, Darius and others who have remarked on this: could someone please tell me what this "Dave's format" is. Everyone around here seems to know about it. I'll be glad to conform to it.You don't know me yet but I'm a "have format, will fit a picture into it" kinda guy.

In an effort to sell the house, we are having an Open House today and tomorrow afternoon here . I have to go tidy up the house and give it that decorator's concept look. Heaven forbid it should look a real-life, lived-in, working, everyday person's home.

I cordially hate these ugly people with their snotty rugrats who traipse all over in with wet shoes. I call them tire kickers when they're gone. They invariably relish talking about motif, flow, palette, genre, feng shui and all that you hear on these cursed specialized TV stations. As you read on, please remember that I am not making this up.

Most of them can't afford the mailbox. Suddenly everyone's a decorator and you're expected to be nice and play along. You never know, one of them might be a serious buyer. They ask questions like: "Would you say that wall's colour is winter fawn, latté foam, toasted mushroom or bleached cinnamon? I grin and think "IT'S BEIGE, you insufferable fool; BE GONE, already". I smile and answer something like "It depends on the season, the lighting, the time of day". Thank The Allmighty for Crest Whitestrips!

They say: "That wall has got to go." Again, I grin and I think "Once you buy the house and I've been paid, honey, you can torch the place for all I care".

We had one last weekend who walked about the house with yer arms extended in front of her, making a screen with her hands like movie directors do (see picture). I asked her if she intended to shoot movies here. She looked at me with that blank stare one only finds in goldfish contemplating the immensity of the universe. She pointed her nose to the ceiling and left: good riddance.

Don't even get me started on feng shui officianados who walk about with a compass in their hand like they're afraid to get lost. The house isn't that big, darling. We never lost a guest in 27 years here.

Another idiot walked about with a crystal pendulum in his hand and insisted on complete silence while he concencentrated on the energy patterns. Again, I grin and think "We have electrical outlets in every room, Sherlock. How's that for energy patterns?".

I don't suffer fools gladly. You meet legions of them when you try to sell your house. Even worse: you can't pull out a shotgun and put these people out of their misery. I'll be so glad when the cocooning and hiving fads have given way to something else like sausage making, gourd carving or just plain navel contemplation.

Take care, all. I have got to go apply another Crest Whitestrip.
Sylvain.