Succinct Sayings

From the Backwoods Home newsletter -

Words of Wisdom

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you`ve never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you`ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

It ain`t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can`t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless she is wearing clothing with an arrow pointing to her abdomen and the words "Baby on Board."

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is 12:01 am the next day

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Don`t worry about what people think. They don`t do it very often anyway.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



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