Hi, I was just thinking of the past year, and deciding on what would make it better. I realized that as a disabled gardener, I've become isolated in my own back yard despite living in a populated area. My only contact with other gardeners is here on Dave's.
How do you deal with this? I'd love to hear suggestions. Thank you! Cathy4
I'm basically in the same boat. Mostly I'm okay with it but do find myself talking about my plants too much when someone does show the slightest interest. I live alone and my plants are my salvation. I'm in a wheelchair and don't get to leave the house but maybe four times a year.
My meter reader nearly gave me a heart attack a few months ago. I didn't know anyone was around and she asked me if I would sell her an elephant ear. Of course she was eyeballing a large one in a pot. I said no but I'll give you one in a one gallon size. We chatted a few minutes and a couple months later she showed up with a yellow brug which I had mentioned I wanted. Ever since, she likes to visit when I'm outside. I've come to enjoy my monthly visitor.
I also have a new neighbor next door that is home with a new baby but doesn't speak English. She always admires my flowers so I've gifted her several nice things in pots. She seems very interested so I'm hoping we can enjoy gardening together. I have begun a serious effort to learn Spanish and she is getting braver with trying to speak English. Learning Spanish is great brain exercise and also very interesting to me. There are forums for that too. I sell some plants on Ebay and she has brought me several customers in the flesh. Twice I've tried to start a big pot of cilantro for her and can't get the contrary stuff to thrive.
I deal with the isolation as just another facet of my disability.... Enjoy as much as I can, accept that life has changed, try not to grieve and generally keep an open mind for any and all that may add quality of life. As my physical world shrinks, the cyber world expands. Life is still good.
Your story should be on the front page of Dave's. What an inspiration you are.
God bless you everyday.
Christi
When I was in a wheelchair it was very difficult because we live 13 miles from the town where we went to church, the doctor, ER, shop for everything, etc. I was dependent on my DH to help me get into the car, fold up my wheelchair & put it in the trunk, then when we got there reverse the process. We also live 1/4 mile off the road. So I was really in isolation a lot of the time. I had so many conversations with GOD I can't begin to count them. Mostly trying to bargain with him to get help for my situation.
I am so thankful you two live in a more populated area & have someone closeby to talk to. I applaud both of you for making the decision to do as much as possible to reach out to others and allow others to reach out to you. You may never know how much good you have done and the example you have set for others. You are planting seeds in the lives of others that sometime in those people's lives will come to maturity and bear good harvests.
Thank you for your kind words Christi and leaflady. I'm still struggling with many demons and while I talk a good game, it's much harder to do it. I could tell you what not to do.
I've withdrawn and now I'm reaping what I have sewn. I'm going to try to spend a lot more time in my front yard so my neighbors will know I'm not dead. I'll wave at everyone and smile. It may not get me any visitors but may foster some goodwill.
I've been pondering this subject a lot over the past month. I thought I was fairly content before but realized it is so nice to feel connected. I had a Dr. appointment and I was sitting out in front of a medical center waiting for my daughter to bring the car up from the vast parking lot. Two strangers actually asked me if I needed any help and three more smiled and said good morning. All in a few minutes time. It really charged up my morale. The lesson is to get out, be seen, be open and maybe you'll draw some attention.
Dorothy
Dorothy, seeds have been planted into your life and now are coming into harvest time as you begin to realize that you are still a whole person that others still want to communicate with and help to maintain a normal lifestyle. Whatever NORMAL is. In reality NORMAL is a very relevent word. What is normal for you may not be at all normal for me.
GOD bless and keep you, dear. With HIS help and guidance you will survive this trial in your life and come out shining like polished silver & gold. It is mostly in learning to recognize the help of guidance HE is sending you every day. That isn't always easy.
Not easy for those who have no physical challenges. Will be praying for you as you blossom in the sunshine.
Christi
Christi, are you refering to mental and emotional disabilities? I do think those must be some of the hardest disabilites to live with and overcome. I have battled depression at times and I watched my husband and a couple of the children battle it. It is a private torture and prision that isn't understood by many. Medications and therapy help many but not all. And they aren't available to everyone.
lady, that is the story of my life. Not ashamed of it any more than I would be if it were cancer. As you say it has spread it's tentacles into others of my family. Recently attempted to reduce the amount of meds that I take. Disaster.
Stupid, too. Would be like a diabetic deciding to reduce insulin. About to get back on the even track again. My garden is my refuge. It is so beautiful here right now that I can hardly wait to get outside. The bird bath outside my window has been full of many kinds of birds all day. Thankful that I live in a time in history when light-weight meds are available. I am physically whole and that does make me ashamed when I know of others who must struggle to do the smallest things and I don't. However, there are times that my mind seems to freeze my limbs. Didn't not intend to share, only to praise and that I certainly do for cathy and twiggy and the others that I don't know who they are. My comment was meant to say that Life is not easy for any of us but most especially for those with physical challenges. Was not referring to myself but looks like I have spilled the beans now.
God bless,
Christi
As a nurse & someone who has watched family members and friends struggle with your problems I could read between the lines and understand what you didn't say. I can remember when mental and emotional problems were considered something one just didn't admit to or talk about. My father had emotional problems and my mother was so ashamed of them. She would not let me talk about it at all. Most of the neighbors knew about it as they helped do the farm work when Daddy wasn't able to do it himself. I am so glad that it is no longer such a social tabo. I know there is still some misunderstanding and many depressed and other emotionally afflicted people have more self condemnation than would come from those around them. I didn't mean to expose you personally tho.
No way you could have told. I did that myself. I often try to educate others. Many people I have known for years are astounded when I say I am on meds for depression. It is always...you? what do you have to be depressed about? Just the point. Nothing. Thank you for your compassion. Realize now that my dad's mother and all five of his siblings and my dad struggled with this malody. Both of my grown children have problems and we are carefully watching the grandchildren. WE ARE NOT INSANE. We have a chemical imbalance that causes us to feel unworthy. Low self esteem. Pop a little pill and it is enough to keep you going. I used to fight it because I did not want to take tranquilizers. As different as saying Pepto Bismol and Aspirin is the same. I know you know the difference. Just stating in the event others are reading without commenting. Another opportunity to educate. Cathy, I seem to have hi-jacked your thread. I greatly admire you and how you take care. Wish I were closer to all of you.
Christi
I am in a wheelchair full time and have been since '94. In answer to the beginning of the thread, YES, I feel isolated. I am on so many meds, some for depression, some for muscle spasms, some for other side effects of other meds, yadda yadda. Most of my social life is online, which is depressing all by itself.
I went to church today mostly just to see some live people. (I don't feel any closer to God there than at home.) My DH just finished working an overnight shift for about 4 months - it felt like forever. I have to make a bathroom trip in the middle of the night. Without big strong DH there to take me (I can't do the transfers alone), I had to depend on my kids. I have 2 daughters, ages 13 and 17. I mean they should help me, but I don't want to force them to help me. I want them to want to help me. Actually, I don't want to need help, but that's a different story.
Anyway, my husband and I have a fabulous time in the middle of the night in the bathroom together! We giggle, we crack jokes, we tell each other secrets, or, most of the time, I pee, and then he puts me back in bed, and then he pees, and then he's asleep within 10 seconds, and I'm asleep within a few minutes.
Oh well. I guess that's not really about feeling isolated, but yes, I do feel VERY isolated. The wheelchair is a definite conversation stopper. And then there are so many things I SHOULD be doing, and so many things I HAVE to do, and so many things I WANT to do, and they pretty much all depend on other people. For instance, I should visit my father, who had a crippling stroke in 11/06 and is in an assisted living home, more often, I have to fill out the financial aid forms for my daughter, I want to start my winter sowing, but I need help for all of those things. Ack.
I like this forum except for when i find that it has me focusing on the complaints I have related to my disability. I actually feel that a lot of what i consider to be my strengths come from having a disability. x, Carrie
Gardening in the front yard is a good idea. I have many walkers stop to talk, and then I ask if they would like a tour. They usually say yes, or they come back at a later time with friends and spouses. If someone shows and interest in a plant, I try to root a cutting or give them an extra one. I'm not disabled, but we're at work so long that I never got to know people in the neighborhood (and my DH isn't the most social person outside of work). I'm also thinking about including the yard in a garden tour for charity. Good luck - you'll be surprised at the number of visitors you get if you put pretty plant bait out in the front, then reel them in!!!!
Our front yard is the wild part - my husband's "oh, ok, no yard here, either" afterthought. My garden is NOTHING anyone would want to see a tour of! But I do plan on getting rid of giving away a lot of achillea, coreopsis and coneflower this year. x, C
Carrie, I hope you will put me on your give away list, I would love to have a bit of a new friend here at my house. Those are my favorite plants!
Really? Will you pay postage? How much would it cost for a twenty pound box of,,,,, But then that would defeat the purpose of giving plants away to my unfriendly neighbors, if I send them all to you. LOL. x, C
Carrie, you are too funny. Yes, I will pay postage. I wonder how much you could stuff in a flat rate box? Chop their tops off, they will survive, haha.
No, Cathy, sometimes I am just barely funny enough! Oh, I knew there was something else - Monarda. That's going in my wheelchair gardening article - don't plant stuff you have to look up at. There's enough stuff in life that you have to look up at - check-out counters at stores, and climbing roses and the sky. Plant flowers you can look AT. xx, Carrie
I've been a subscriber for 3 years and have avoided this forum like the plague because I was determined to pretend I wasn't one of you. What a fool I am! Now I'm just hoping you will put up with me. I can identify with all of your posts and already feel less isolated.
Dbsmith I love your ideas. What you say is true. The year before I was disabled I had a fantastic front yard that drew a lot of interest. Some of the main attractions were castor beans, love lies bleeding, pink brug and pink canna. Most of the neighbors don't garden at all and were amazed that the soil would grow something besides grass, let alone something they'd never seen before. Exotic or different is the key.
Carrie of course the wheelchair is a conversation stopper, for some. My current thinking is that if I can be relaxed, warm and just natural, people reciprocate. If I'm tense from feeling inadequate, a burden or whatever it causes awkwardness which really runs them off. I think a lot of people are afraid we resent them for being whole or are bitter so we have to make the first move.
Being handicapped is great for building character and self esteem if we can just look at every little accomplishment as a major victory which it truly is.
Twiggy, you are just normal, most of us go through a period of denial, then one day we accept and get on with life. Sounds like you are ready!
My doctor just told me to start using canes when I walk (I keep tipping over) and I'm resisting. The old pride is getting in the way, they make me feel old. How do you hold packages, if both hands are full?
Cathy, there are many walkers available and most can have baskets attached to them. I think they would be the next step up from a wheelchair.
Twiggy
I have MS, I'm nowhere near "old", I'm 46 now but I've been "wheelchair-enabled" since 1994 when DD#2 was born. [DH's hair has been gray/salt+pepper/white for a while, and he looks great that way, but I dye my hair and will continue to do so as long as I feel that it helps me look younger.] When I go visit my DF in the extremely assisted living center, some of the people twice my age inevitably say "hello, are you a new resident?" and that's a little scary!
Twiggy, I sympathize about this forum - I used to come here a lot but I got depressed by people talking about all the things they couldn't do. I like to focus on the list of things I can do, and not on the list of things i can't (my posts above notwithstanding). So although it's officially a forum that I'm "watching" I never come here.
xx, Carrie
Carrie, you have a very valid point about what we talk about. It needs to balanced between the cans and can'ts. Being sure we list things we DID do in a day is just as if not more important than listing the things we could NOT do.
Cathy has a lot she can & does do as do Christi and Dorothy. They are just stating the facts that make this forum needed.
Oh I'm so sorry, I wasn't meaning this particular thread - I'm here, aren't I? No, I meant more historically why a lot of us (me, at least,, and Twiggy) avoid this forum. Of all the reasons for me to be online, a forum like this is the best one I can offer... I'm just glad this thread caught my eye and I decided to pop in for whatever reason I did! I'm glad to be back.
(Completely snowbound today.)
xx, Carrie
http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/804306/
want to share your Can Do's?
I'll start with my list
I can still hold a part time job that has me on my feet for several hours those 2 days each weekend. The next day tho isn't too good. lol.
I can and do still drive and have a good reliable vehicle to provide transportation.
I can & do offer myself for volunteer work at a local food bank and Powell Gardens Botanical Gardens of K.C. when I can afford the fuel and am able to go.
I could do a better job of cleaning my house and yarden. I seem to lack motivation in the cleaning area most of the time.
I am able to handle my own finances, doctor's appointments, etc.
My biggest problem is chronic pain and fatigue from the Fibromyalgia. I just lack endurance. I have 3 heart problems that make it an inefficient pump. Some days just getting out of bed and taking care of the 3 dogs, 5 cats, 3 degus, 4 or 5 dozen poultry and pigeons and myself is all I am capable of doing. Like most of the elderly disabled I look very healthy on the outside. It is what isn't working properly on the inside that no one can see that is causing the problems
Ok, that is me. Anyone else want to list their cans and can'ts?
leaflady, Cathy started a whole new thread. You reminded me of a few more things I CAN do. xx, C.
I could do a better job of cleaning my house and yarden. I seem to lack motivation in the cleaning area most of the time.
Yep, i was thinking she sounded pretty ordinary on that front myself! xx, Carrie
A little dirt is good for you.
Here is big one we can all do. Smile at everyone, wish them a wonderful day/evening, etc, and say GOD bless you and mean it. Since beginning to do that I have had so many positive responses it is so uplifting to me. I think I get the greatest blessing. Also when someone asks how I am I reply "Blessed beyond measure". And I truely am. Just think of all the good things in your life. You are alive, your mind is functioning(at least part of the time lol), you have your mobility tools and appliances, you have a home, hot & cold running water, heat, maybe AC in the summer, food on your table, clothes on your body, medications to help you cope with the disabilities and health problems, etc. Think of all the people in this world who have few if any of these things. Pray earnestly for them that their needs will be met and ask how you can help. Let GOD work thru you to minister to others. Reaching out to others is the best way to forget or minimize your own troubles. If you have a day when you can't do anything else, be a prayer warrior for others. You may be the only one praying for some person.
Amen, leaflady! Also practicing random acts of kindness is a real morale booster. :)
I second the second Cathy's last comment entirely. My father moved East recently to be near his family - that's me, among others. To get to his nursing home we have to go on the Turnpike for one exit, and pay a toll. One day, it may have been Christmas Eve but I think it was a few weeks earlier, when we got up to the toll booth, the collector just waved us through, saying "the car before you already paid for you, he says "happy holidays". " Since then we've been trying to do the same type of "paying it forward" whenever we can, or whenever we remember.
xx, Carrie
Leaflady you are a fountain of wisdom.
Cathy I have a lot of experience with walkers, never felt brave enough for canes although I bought 2 of the ones with 4 legs. I guess it depends on what you are wanting to do. Personally I have never found one that is worth a toot to me except for short trips like from the bathroom door to the commode or tub. I have one with the seat that I should use much more often just for exercise. That kind can save you if you find yourself wanting to walk out in the yard and need to rest or just want to sit and examine a certain plant or watch the squirrels. I find they are useless for anything else.
My seat height is not adjustable. It's fairly comfortable to sit but too high for all the bending over I have to do.
You know how when you're in the kitchen, it's back and forth from the stove, sink and refrigerator. Always needing something out of a cabinet that might require even as little as 2 inches more reach. If you can stand easily and for a few minutes, you might could use one. You can't steer it while sitting which is what I need to do. I can't handle the yo yo routine so mine is very dusty.
I have to conserve and maximize what little energy I have so I made a choice to get a power chair for outdoors. A used one because my insurance wouldn't pay for it. It's really the only way I can accomplish anything. Help yourself with whatever tools are available. It's all about quality of life.
I put a cane in the car to help me get in and out without falling on my keester. My hands aren't strong enough to hang on to the car strap if my knees decide not to stay locked. It has helped, I feel less likely to fall.
Smiling and thanking people is something I greatly enjoy. Get eye contact, thank them "so much" and smile big. they look so surprised! I'd hate to work where someone being nice is a surprise.
A friend who has a place at the lake bought an old beat up golf cart to haul people up and down the hill to avoid 4 sets of stairs. Scares me half to death, at least a 45 degree angle. I miss getting in the lake, but I can't climb the ladder anymore. Getting in is easy, I just fall off the dock.
Cathy collapsing knees are a real hazard. Please don't take chances.
Paying forward is an expression I never heard before DG and I love the concept. I think all gardeners like to share anyway so it's no wonder I learned it here. I have sent out quite a few packages of plants for postage. And some for naught. I always get plenty of thank yous but I think I got at least as much pleasure out of the deals.
My Aunt Margie offered me 3 old roses before she died. I had to search long and hard to identify them so I named them Little Margie, Margie and Aunt Margie. I still think of them in those terms. They make me smile and think of her a lot. Sometimes I'm reminded of something funny or even wicked and just laugh out loud. I think she created a monument far more valuable than stone with her simple act of kindness. The point is that we never know how kindness will touch people and since it usually costs us so little it sure can't hurt to put it out there.
Bless Aunt Margie, what a special memory, those are the best plants.
They ARE the best plants, ant bless Aunt Margie, and the term "paying forward" I think cane from a not very wonderful movie (I don't remember what it was called). x, C
Yes they are the best kind of plants. I've got Aunt Eunice too. Hehe.
I have had some news I am just dying to tell someone and you're it. Leaflady, you're going to love this. First the bad and then the good. More than 2 weeks ago, my power chair died. That thing is as important to me as a breathing machine is to others. It had new batteries just a week before it died and I felt the charger was the problem. So I found a good deal on Ebay and sat here for 2 weeks waiting on that. It charged right up and then still wouldn't go.
I had already had a man over twice to check for good connections and bad fuses and to change the batteries in the first place. Finally figured out that the computer needed reprogramming to accept the new charger. I had dreaded calling the dealer on account of $. The real repairman came out yesterday and gave me the bad news that it needed a new controller (computer) for $651. I told him to forget it and wrote him a check for the $75 minimum for the visit. He wouldn't take the check which was very nice.
On Wednesdays my mothers church has supper and one of her friends delivers me a plate. They do it to raise funds for missions and only charge $3. Anyway when I went to the door she could tell I'd been bawling my heart out and had to know what was wrong. She said to calm down and that I was going on the prayer list.
I got woke up this morning after an almost sleepless night with a message on my answering machine from The Scooter Store. The want to give me an almost new chair for free. They have a program called Gift of Mobility. They had to have the preachers name, addy, #, etc. Corporate policy says they must give it to a non profit organization who then gives it to the beneficiary and there are documents for the church to fill out. I've been on the phone and had company all day. My mother's old friends stopping by to offer prayer, congratulations and so forth. The preacher let it slip that they were going to make sure I got a chair one way or the other regardless.
I feel overwhelmed and still can't believe my good fortune. From the deepest pit to the highest mountain. Just amazing. I was just telling you all a couple days ago how I felt totally isolated. And all I had to do was open the door to all these good people. Now I've really got a lot to pay forward.
Hooray Twiggy!
