On this somber day, I though I'd share how important my garden was to me in the days and weeks following the tragedy of 9/11/01.
I pride myself on being able to communicate well, but it is impossible to convey what I felt on that day. I had never been so torn apart in my life. I felt like I was having an out of body experience and all of it was somehow not really happening. I would wake up any minute and all would be back to normal.
I was like a zombie for days. I had to go to work in Manhattan and we had a young son to take care of, but it felt like I was just going through the motions - almost mechanically. Full numbness is the best way to describe it. For weeks I could not bring myself to put on music or do anything that would bring any pleasure whatsoever. Though not a survivor from the scene, I had survivor's guilt. I only listened to and watched news coverage.
A number of Fall plant orders began to arrive during that time. At first I thought I'd just let them die in their boxes. What was the point? I then decided to take them out but had no desire or intention to plant them any time soon. After some days I then noticed some of the smaller ones were starting to look bad so I decided to get them in the ground. It was not easy to do. I kind of did it without feeling - without the enthusiasm I always felt when planting. I just wanted to get it over and done with.
I continued with the other small ones and then eventually, all the others. Over the period of about six weeks I had gone from not wanting to garden at all to looking forward to it more than ever. It seemed to be bringing some normalcy back to me. It was a symbol of rebirth and renewal and defiance. I was dedicating the new plants to the victims and to the healing power gardening had shown me. Gardening had now become a way of thanking gardening.
Of course I had already heard about healing gardens and hort therapy, but that experience made it real and personal for me.
Feel free to share any similar experiences. It doesn't have to involve 9/11 but can be about recovering from any loss, grief, tough times, etc. If it does involve 9/11, I just remind you not to involve politics in any way or I will ask that the thread be removed.
Solace in the Garden
Just like everyone else watching the horrible events unfold I was stunned. I do have a specific memory that sums it all up for me. My garden and home is under the flight plan of almost all planes that are going into Logan in Boston. Usually while in the garden there is a plane going over every 5 or 6 minutes, sometimes less. They are very high but you get used to the sound while working. I was making a perennial bed just before Sept. 11 and I do recall when going back out to work during the days and weeks after noting how quiet it was. Remember all the planes were grounded for a while. You get used to certain things and only really notice when they change. It was an eerie feeling when I realized why it was so quiet. No airplanes. Shortly after one day when working at planting a few plants before giving up till the spring, I remember it was one of those clear blue sky fall days and really nice working weather. Then I heard it. It sounded so loud, and I stopped and watched it cross the whole width of the sky and go out of view. The first flight was headed for Logan Airport again.
o, Victor, thank you for that. It was very moving. Gardening is the ultimate act of faith, isn't it? Plant a seed and trust that it will grow- not only grow- but grow to be the same thing its parent was, or at least something similar. It assures us that life will go on, and joy is possible- no matter what.
On 9/11 I left work, went to the store and bought some things to decorate my house. At the time I didn't understand why I would do a relatively trivial, shallow thing on such a day.
But now I realize I just wanted to make the world beautiful again.
Cindy
Victor:
You write a very moving piece. It brought me to tears. We need to remember.
We were on lock-down at work right after the towers fell. (Mind you, this was New Hampshire!) But Anna and I worked together at a major national company at the time. We were able to get through to the schools to hear that the kids were OK. We had no TV. No radio. The only news we had was through emails sent to my computer from a Yahoo group I belonged to at the time. Everyone in the office was around my computer.
I still feel stunned. And sad. And I still grieve.
Thank you.
Victor, your piece sums it up pretty well. I still have trouble watching anything about it on T.V. I often think of the families and grieve for them and for what we all lost that day. On that day and for many after, I questioned having brought children into this world. Did I condem my own flesh and blood to a life of unpredictable violence and massacres? What kinda of future will my grandchildren have?
I had guilt also, it was in our own State of Maine where 2 of those men got on the first plane, could we have stopped them? The questions still plague me to this day.
My life changed as all Americans lives did that day and I don't think we as a whole will ever be the same. But it made us stronger, more determined and banded us togehter as brothers standing united.
I think that is how I have to look at it now, what it gave us, not just what it took away. I believe that is called healing, and I am relieved to have finally arrived at this point, there were days when I didn't think I would ever heal.
As for my gardening, I don't remember doing any during 9/11....it was all a blurr. My garden has helped at other trying times in my life, like when the biopsey came back on my dog. It was cancer and they wanted to remove his leg, but not guarentee they'd get all the cancer. I don't think so! They removed the tumor and told me to take him home and enjoy him......"another tumor would replace that one in about 6-8 weeks. Oh, and you might want to put him on a diet, he weighs 130 and he shouldn't be more than 110" is what they said.
You just gave him a death sentence but you want me to put him on a diet!! Are you Freakin crazy? I asked. So I grabbed Bandit's leash and said "Come on buddy....were going home to have a T-Bone steak and Ice cream for desert!" (and he did)
During the next few weeks I watched him and knew our time together would soon end. It angered me and frightened me both at the same time. This dog had been my best buddy through some very hard times in my life and the prospect of life with out him was not something I could picture. So I picked a spot out in my yard near the big Oak tree and I started to dig. (Now you know why the oak is special to me) Everytime the anger and grief built up in me I would go out and dig the hole bigger and deeper. Pretty soon Bandit did indeed have another tumor, and the hole by this time was big enough for a human casket.
One day I was folding clothes and he was laying down beside me, I got up to answer the phone and Bandit did too, but fell on his face with a whimper. My DH picked him up and put him in the car and off to the vets we go. They said it had spread up his spine and thats why he fell. I had him put down, then brought him home and buried him. It's will be 8 yrs. next month that I put him in that hole....which is now a place called "Bandit's Garden" with phlox, oriental lilies, daylilies, and iris's.
Bandit with his black tongue sticking out a few weeks before he passed.
Thanks Celeste. Your story about Bandit is very sad and moving. Take care of that Oak!
One very lucky Bandit to have had such loving care.
Thank you pirl & Victor...he was a very special dog. Big as they come but as gentle as a lamb. Looking at that picture...he was over weight but happy!! BTW..like the Black Tongue?? LOL
Of course I like the black tongue. It makes it look as though he loved licorice, too!
Pixie, Bandit was beautiful! My dh never wants to leave our property because his beloved lhasa apso (gone 10 years now - congestive heart failure) and our two cats (they were 'smoked' in our house fire five years ago) are all buried here. We now have a pit bull mix and 3 cats to replace them!
Over the past 15 years or so, we've gone through two different church upheavals, a 'multitudeneous' variety of extended family problems, a house fire, and both girls with Asperger's Syndrome.
I guess that's why gardening is so therapeutic - we can block out the real world for a time and enjoy God's creation. I find I can deal with things better once I've had my 'therapy' session.
If you look close in the pic, you'll see all 3 cats on top of the stone wall (one of many my husband built) - Smokey, Calico, and K.C. That's my tool shed, transformed from my kids old treehouse!
This message was edited Sep 11, 2007 7:50 PM
Bummer! K.C. got cut out of the right side of the pic! She's orange.
Okay, maybe I need another 'therapy' session! I thought the cat was cut out, but I just hadn't moved the page all the way over to the side - sorry!
Victor, You said it well. My only other notable memory was a positive. People were nicer, we fought less, we remembered what was truly important. I miss that part of that ,otherwise, devestating experience.
Pixie, sorry about your dog.
Dave
Thanks Dave. Yes, unfortunately that change did not last long.
Flag flying is just about over for most people.
Not here. Flags fly everyday on many houses in WNY, including ours.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories. They are very moving. I was in a state of shock over 9/11 and couldn't believe something so devastating had happened. I wasn't really into gardening very much at that time in my life as I was still working as a music teacher and had an anorexic daughter. My daughter kept me very busy trying to keep her alive and out of trouble.(Colin's mother) She is doing much better with the eating disorder but has other mental issues that she is dealing with. Gardening became theraputic for me after my brother's death. He was very special to me. He had reading disabilities and I was the one who helped him out his whole life. My other two brothers didn't pay much attention to him cause he could never keep up with them until he became sick with prostate cancer. Then they also became an active part of his life. Dad bought a house for him just before he was diagnosed so that he would have a place to live after Dad died. Dad's house was part of the farm property which was sold but Dad could stay in the house until he died. I helped my brother fix up his house and decorate it and made sure he payed his bills and saved enough money to do it. We were very close - best buddies. He was quite a bit younger so I took care of him while Mom did household chores when he was little. I've never told anyone how I feel about his death but it is easier to write it down. On the outside I'm strong and except his death as a blessing. But when he died a light went out on the inside of me and I have this horrible emptiness. Colin has definitly filled part of that void. It has only been 14 months since my brother died so I'm hoping that the pain will lessen with more time. I have found gardening to be very theraputic as it keeps me busy and I find the more busy I am, the less I think and feel. I"m transferring my feelings of grief into more possitive feelings by taking care of the garden and helping the plants grow strong (kind of like the way I took care of my brother) - hard to explain in words. There, got that off my chest. Thanks for listening!! Eleanor
Eleanor, thats beautiful and I understand.....I have an 'Eleanor', her name is Tiffany and she too takes care of her handicapped brother. They are 12 months, 29 days apart and she has always been the protective older sister.
Thanks for sharing Eleanor. Sorry you had so much sadness and so many challenges lately. You're obviously very strong and Colin is very blessed to have you. The garden helps the coping and healing.
Getting out into the gardens this year and digging and hauling and moving earth IS very therapeutic. Most of the time I send upbeat posts, but underneath there is great stress and frustration. Gardening helps calm me down from being angry at the world in general and the court system specifically.
It's an amazing thing, to be able to garden.
It's true. The Chinese have a fitting proverb: Nature heals.
Being a Canadian this has been the most devastating event I have ever seen! I remember the day so vividly. It was a sunny gorgeous day - fall type weather. I was working away when one of the other ladies yelled out that one of the towers had been hit. We all gathered around the radio hugging and listening to the commonition over the radio, the scream with heart wrenching...... We remember bonding that day and listening to the events.
I went home that night and watched it for the next few hours on tv, I was in shock and disbelief. I cried until dh came home after working late. That event immediated changed our views on many things. Today we are still greatly affected and sadden but such enormous loss.
Thanks Dawn.
It was nice to get so much compassion, not only from our good friends to the north but, from so many countries around the globe. Sometimes being a superpower gets lonely.