Bizarre Gardening Headlines

These gave me some laughs:

Bizarre Headline News From The Garden

1. Man grows giant carrots -- is attacked by giant rabbit! ~ Dibble
2. Hillary Finds Alien Baby Growing in Giant Pea Pod -- Claims She Couldn't Stay Awake Through Convention! Al Says It's First Sign of Global Warming ~ Xena
3. The day I planted my broccoli -- The day my broccoli was gone ~ Valerie
4. Harrowing' - What does it lead to? ~ Katrina
5. Man strangled by giant corn silks. Corny news account. ~ Bob
6. SNOBBY, CHAUVINIST MONARCH BUTTERFLIES LIGHT ON ARTEMESIA SILVER KING ONLY. ~ Ginette
7. AMAZING NEW SPECIES OF SUNFLOWER "CN TOWER" GROWS A SPECTACULAR 553 METRES TALL! BREEDER CONSIDERING OPENING A REVOLVING RESTAURANT AT THE TOP FOR BEES ONLY. ~ Ginette
8. Slugs Linked to New Cancer Cure ~ Mary
9. EXTRA! EXTRA! North side gardener gives new meaning to CAT SCAN.
Medical field refuses comment on influx of canned cats. SPCA up in arms at her misunderstanding of the Drs. orders. ~ Jeanne
10. Woman attacked by slugs; after ravaging hostas and all other green plant materials, slugs turn on humans in mad rampage. ~ Barbara
11. Man puts curse on Rabbit - Rabbit turns to stone ~ Carol
12. "It was unbelievable . . ." the horrified woman exclaimed, "I found my eggplant in the raised bed -- with the zucchini!" ~ Jen
13. Canadian Military Vehicles Impounded Crossing U.S. Border! Agents Discover Black Market Zucchinis! Mad Gardener Cult Implicated in Scheme to Export Ontario Green! ~ Xena
14. George Dubyah Promises Vouchers For Cukes! Candidate Declares A Zucchini in Every Pot! Party of Compassion Will Restore Gravitas to Lunch. ~ Xena
15. 8 TONNES SOFT CHICKEN MANURE ON THE MOVE DOWNHILL.
Army Chief says: "We have fought lava flows, but this is awesome." ~ Beryl
16. Gardener's suffer from strange fungal infection: Doctors believe it mutation of Black Spot from roses. ~ Cate
17. ANIMAL FREE MANURE KEEPS GARDENERS' SKIN SMOOTH & SILKY - NO BULL! ~ Genette
18. Space travel rendered obsolete! Seeds for Jack's bean stalk found in ancient Inca tomb! ~ Bridgette
19. SLUG-FEST: GET AN AEROBIC WORK-OUT WHILE DOING BATTLE WITH THE SOVEREIGNS OF SLIME. ~ Ginette
20. ELECTRICITY CUT OFF AFTER SNAILS EAT BILLS "I should harvest these guys" says SthnCross of Australia whose bills WERE eaten (partially) by snails. ~ Sthncross
21. MONET'S GARDEN NEVER LOOKED LIKE THIS: SPRAY-ON "FLOWER PAINT" GIVES YOUR PALE PANSIES A PUNCH AND ADDS ZIP TO YOUR ZINNIAS! ~ Ginnette
22. GIANT ZUCCHINI STRIKES BACK - Local gardener famous for dumping zucchini on neighbours' doorsteps found strangled by vine in garden. ~ Janet
23. BIZARRE SCHOOL INCIDENT Enormous zucchini muffin in Principal's chair yelled, "You call this a report? I call it a poison pancake." Suddenly hugh pancakes crashed through ceiling crushing student eating zucchini. ~ Bernice
24. CATS & CAT MINT CROSSBREEDING EXPERIMENT GONE CRAZY - NEW FURRY PLANT ACTUALLY PURRS! ~ Ginette
25. Sevin Dust renamed Aight Dust because of inflation. ~ Hugh
26. "NON COMPANION" PLANTS: FRENCH LAVENDER AND ENGLISH DAISY UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE. ~ Ginette
27. "Rapid growing watermelon vine drags man for five miles, causing severe injuries requiring hospitalization" ~ Stanley
28. RELIGIOUS VEGETABLES?? LETTUCE PRAY! ~ Ginette
29. The Plot Thickens in Your Own Backyard: Friends Dig up the Dirt on Each Other and Spread Manure in Their Own Beds ~ Deb
30. BIZARRE SINGING INSECTS DISCOVERED IN LIVERPOOL GARDEN. ENTOMOLOGIST TO NAME THEM "BEATLES". ~ Ginette
31. ELUSIVE THREE EYED GARDEN MONSTER FINALLY CAPTURED AND EXAMINED: APPARENTLY HIS VISION IS 20-20-20. ~ Ginette
32. This just in . . . The Scientists in Yorkishberg just discovered that dirt is in fact is BAD for your gardens. It actually enables the plants to grow. Everyone should now plant their plants in air. DO NOT let them touch the ground. But, of course, the people in Yorkishberg eat plants that are unhealthy and dead.
~ Robyn
33. Incredible Hulk wins Green Thumb Award at annual Gardening Convention
-- Martians said to be enraged. ~ Ryan
34. Sydney Olympic Coup De Grass -- torch to be fuelled with eucalyptus oil. "Can be smelled in space." says MIR cosmonauts! Brian
35. Extra Extra Extra - Harry Potter meets his match! Giant killer tomato, believed to be a mutant Brandy wine variety, squashes young wizard. ~ Linda
36. Giant Barrie slug attacks local pets. Posse armed with shotguns patrolling neighbourhood yards. ~ John
37. Potato Farmer Found Mashed! ~ Pat
38. "Gardeners riot as rumours of losing their cloching rights circulate!!"
Denver, Colorado. The AP reported yesterday that rioting gardeners were seen in the streets of Denver. "We have a right to cloche!!" one gardener was heard to yell. Others were chanting, "a-b-c-d, we want to cloche for free! 1-2-3-4, we gonna cloche some more!!!"
Officials for Denver Urban Gardens had "no comment" for the press as of today. ~ Jani
39. Carrots have deeply rooted suspicion of gardeners. ~ Jenny
40. Mint Employee Accused of Theft PHILADELPHIA (AP)
-- MJ Labia tae of the US Mint Company stole and sold mint that had been cultivated incorrectly, raking in about $80,000. ~ Rizme
41. Bush Defensive About Cut Plan
PEORIA, Ill. (AP) - The Bush acknowledged today he hasn't convinced gardeners that plants can avoid a cut plan after shoring up vines. He also continued to argue about fall defoliation. ``I have got to do a better job of making it clear'' that expected defoliation will allow for the new growth next year. ~ Rizme
42. Bleeding Hearts found in Cemetery Garden! ~ Karen
43. Canadian Explorers Found Alive In Northern Garden!
Remarkably, David Thompson and Alexander Mackenzie were found in a zone 2a garden in the Chinook region of Canada, known to suffer brutal freeze thaw cycles. Locals were pleased to report seeing their return every spring. "They are pretty tough characters," commented one gardener. ~ karen
44. Love Lies Bleeding Over The Garden Gate! ~ Karen
45. Local Mail Carriers Implicated In Garden Tour Scandal! ~ Karen
46. Mad Gardener Scares Hares With Hair! ~ Karen
47. Giant mole attempts to carry off poodle from Barrie garden. ~ John
48. Martha Stewart propagates new species of talking cactus! Its first words: "I'm so picky!" ~ Ginette
49. Quint daughters born to Flora Green of Gardenia, CA.; welcome Daisy, Violet, Lily, Rose and Ivy! Big brother Basil not too thrilled. ~ Ginette
50. Patent issued for fruit tree "bra" - helps keep heavy harvest aloft & healthy. Inventor's quote: "What a pear!" ~ Ginette
51. Transylvanian Gardener Adamantly Refuses To Grow Garlic. ~ Ginette
52. Mutant "Two-lips" Have Tongues & Teeth Instead Of Stamens & Pistils!
~ Ginette
53. Hysteria at Convention Centre: Garden Show and Arachnophobia Conference in Adjacent Rooms. ~ Ginette
54. Christmas Cancelled! Santa Claus Poisoned by Poinsettia Salad at Gala. "Should Have Used Arugela", Chef. ~ Ginette
55. POTATOES GROWN IN OAT STRAW . . . gardener states potatoes were puny but she had a bumper crop of oats! ~ Caroline
56. Alien Vegetable captured by gardener states, "PEAS RELEASE ME LETTUS GO, & I WON'T TURNIP ANYMORE" ~ Sharon
57. "YES, I'M THE GRAPE PRETENDER!" sings dried raisin. ~ Sharon
58. TROWEL SCOOPS UP THE LATEST DIRT! ~ Sharon
59. Giant Monarch butterfly attempts to carry off Barrie poodle. ~ John
60. Mad Gardener refuses to listen to sage advice; said he didn't have the thyme. ~ Cricket
61. "SNOW IN SUMMER!!!" ~ Karen
62. First 'Moon Garden' ready for harvest. Astronauts say, "It tastes like chicken". ~ Ella
63. Pepper plant hunter swallowed by alien tomatoes. ~ Nancy
64. King-sized Tomatoes Frighten Neighbourhood Children Grotesque monster tomatoes have grown on 10 ft. vines and mothers report their children refuse to play outdoors in case they encounter the red monsters that have caused nightmares. ~ Liz
65. DEVELOPER BULLDOZES OUT THE TREES, THEN NAMES STREETS AFTER THEM... ~ Janet
66. MISUNDERSTOOD RABBIT ADDICTED TO HARE RESTORER !
~ Beryl
67. Pistil exclaims, "There's a Stigma attached to being a pollen receiver!"
~ Doris
68. Lilac warns locals: "There's a Sucker born every minute!" ~ Doris
69. Roving Mushroom Claims To Be A Fun Guy ~ Doris
70.
71. Trees Reveal "The Secret To Being Poplar"! ~ Karen
72. Mother Nature Fights Back: Millions attacked by allergies as Mother Nature battles pesticides, herbicides, and other toxic waste. ~ Heather
73. NEIGHBOURHOOD LADY CAUGHT STEALING CHICKS! -- Lady pretending to tie her shoe lace was caught picking Hen's and Chick babies from a neighbour's Rock garden. ~ Douglas
74. Don't be duped by the claim that variegated Hostas are easy and maintenance free perennials! Beautiful variegated shade loving leaves, are a tender treat for pesky hosta-LOVING slugs . . . UGGGGGGGGGGGGG! ~ Douglas
75. Woman in serious trouble for growing and attempting to sell Green Bananas! Husband held captive, forced to act like Tarzan! ~ Gloria
76. Santa Claus voted world's best gardener! Does a lot of Ho Ho Hoeing.
~ John
77. Man trips into prize-winning spring flower display -- Now pushing up tulips! ~ Angie
78. SNOW IN SUMMER!!! ~ Mark
79. Local surgeon performs radical surgery on cranberry bush. Wife agrees to transplant, gory details later. ~ Sal
80. NEWS FLASH . . . 2000 MILLENNIUM SLUGS INVADE A SMALL TOWN IN THE INTERIOR OF B.C. CANADA . . . NEW GARDENER LEFT LEAFLESS ~ Sylvia
81. "FLY TRAPS" Do they really invite more flies, and even big rats? (ad in 'Survivor magazine) ~ JJ
82.
83. Neighbours complain! Dogwood barking all night and keeping them awake.
~ Candace
84. This flower is so pretty ~ Stephanie
85. Anyone for more pasta al fungi? Diner reports: "I was innocently eating my pasta, speared an oyster mushroom and there hidden underneath, a prize-size pearl.: ~ Hayley
86. Cases of abuse taken to Supreme Court: spuds rally together in protest against being mashed, whipped, grilled and roasted. ~ Hayley
87. Apples 'round-up' in anger while pears gleefully gloat: "How dare doctors report our well rounded shape can affect our heart." say the Cox Clan. ~ Hayley
88. Johns Hopkins Medical School (UPI) - - Latest longevity studies indicate that old gardeners don't die! They just spade away! ~ Linda
89. Dandelion eating chickweed developed! But who will plant it?
~ Goddessofdirt
90. Gardener Charged For Working In The Nude. "I'll give them something to see!" (He was protesting his neighbours new yard lights . . . no, I did not even have to make this up!) ~ Lisa
91. Scandal in the county . . . Local corn grower admits to having an ear fetish.
~ Jo-Ann
92. Dog attacks topiary cat! ~ Dibble
93. Topiary cat takes over children's sandbox. Sharpshearer from SWAT team called in. ~ Ellen