I owe you an update, but there's nothing to report, really

I will know tomorrow cause I am having lunch with most of the people involved.

You know Bobby isn't mine, right? He's owned by a syndicate (of which I am part). So while I am empowered to make any decision in an emergency, most of his "big, let's think about this decisions" are made by committee.

The plan at last report, I think, was to take him back up to New Bolton when their laser was back on-line.

There was also the possibility of getting him into the frankencense study at Virginia Tech.

I brought him home with the fissure in the tumor leaking melatonin.

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The tumor continues to leak, and a new fissure opened in another place. Both are leaking. The new one is angry looking and my vet, who is usually at the barn at least once a week, saw it three? days ago and said "Yup, same leaky butt, your horse has cancer." Don'tcha just love men?

The feeling now is.....is he's keeping comfortable and it continues to drain, it might be premature to laser these two tumors. The problem is, melanomas have a reputation for striking back once they are struck back, and we run the risk of changing/increasing the problem.

Like I said, we've all been kind of sitting on this trying to decide what to do. We are having lunch tomorrow to go over a bunch of other stuff...other horses, the place in Florida, etc, etc, but I suspect that we will all go look under Bobby's tail and say the same thing as the vet. *palms up in air in the who-knows position*

The problem is, I feel really, really under the gun. I HATE that something is going on in him that I can't help or fix. I hate the thought of losing him. I hate the thought of making the wrong decisions for this good, good, horse. I am living every day with the knowledge that something precious and integral to my soul is slipping away from me and I am in despair over how I am going to cope. Apparently, parts of my brain are not coping all that well because my husband has started hiding my car keys at night. I didn't know he was doing it except he was running late the other morning and didn't put them back...so I finally rang him to ask him where the spare set was and he told me they were on his dresser. Apparently I am sleep walking in the night and telling him I need to go get Bobby.

So there you have it. We are in holding pattern. I am trying to make it NOT a holding pattern, but a glorying in every moment kind of pattern, but sometimes being sad gets the best of me.

Anyway, this is kind of a lot to pour out to strangers, and I am sorry, because I am sure it makes awkward reading.....but I feel like most of you understand all too well.

I'm really not looking for a lot of "drama queen" pats on the back or anything...it's tough situation and we all know how these things go...up, down, wait, hurry, cry, no-it's ok, no-go ahead and cry, no-it's all good now, WAIT, hurry, write multiple cheques, cry, cry, cry, try to find peace.

But that's the update.