Help with my grandmother

My mother is currently caring for my grandmother, and it is getting more and more difficult as she ages. Her mind is going fairly quickly, as can happen when they reach a certain age. She is getting to the point where she doesn't recognize people if she hasn't seen them recently, even her great-grandson who she constantly talks about but cannot see very often because they live too far away.

I would love my Mom's brother to step up and shoulder at least part of the burden, but he is actually part of the problem. Whereas he used to go visit her every day, once she moved in with my mom 8 years ago he stopped coming and rarely calls, even on holidays. I think he has been down to visit her maybe 3-4 times, and it has broken her heart. Of course all she can talk about is how wonderful he is.

She is obviously depressed, and has limited mobility. Her doctor will not prescribe any kind of antidepressents without her permission, though, and she insists when she is there that she is fine. She should have gotten a hip replacement 20 years ago, but due to healing issues it was decided that she couldn't handle the surgery. She gets up a little bit, but mostly just to go to the bathroom and go to bed.

She argues with my mom constantly, and accuses her of lying, stealing and going through her things even though my mom never goes into her room except to change the bed linens. She was supposed to get a blood pressure check before one of her prescriptions could be refilled, and she told one of my cousins my mom went behind her back and made a doctors appointment to have her put in the hospital. My cousins rarely visit, because frankly, she isn't really all that pleasant to be around, and they don't like to hear her complain. She went into the hospital last winter with pneumonia and we thought we were going to lose her, but now she has a whole bunch of stories about the atrocities they committed on her (not true - we were there almost constantly), and accuses my mother of putting her there. She tells the same stories over and over, which I can handle except for she knows exactly which ones will be the most upsetting to whomever she is talking to. As an example, I am a huge animal lover, but every time I go over there I get to hear about how the neighbor boy tortured and killed her cat when she was young. My mom gets to hear about what a louse her father is over and over. And everyone gets to hear about the male nurse who helped her to the commode once and cleaned her up afterwards when she was in the hospital, then supposedly got fired for doing so.

My brother lives at home and is indispensible, but he works nights. I used to take her on road trips with me (I travel a lot with my job) but since she got sick she guilts my mother and has a fit if she wants to leave to go anywhere. She forgets what time my mom said she was going to be home, and calls me in a panic. So my mom feels she can't even go anywhere anymore except the grocery store because it is just easier that way. I love her, and try to get over there every couple of weeks, but I can see the stress on my mother's face and in her attitude, and it is starting to affect her health as well.

I wish I could find her a caregiver's support group or get some kind of idea on how I can help. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option at this point, although it may become necessary in a few years. I wouldn't do that to my mother either until absolutely necessary. But I am at a loss as to what I can do, and don't know where to start. I did manage to go through the DNR with her (one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do) because I am one of the few people she listens to, so at least that is taken care of.

I know many of you are going through similar issues, and some of you have it even worse, so I just want to thank you for listening and for any suggestions you can offer.