No more lawns

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and
nature. What in the world is going on down there in
the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms
attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors
by now. But all I see are these green rectangles


ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there,
Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your
flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them
and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not
colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and
bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great
pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each
spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other
plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it
grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake
it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? ; Why? Is it a cash crop? Do
they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They
pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow and when it does grow, they cut
it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the
heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this,
Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag
out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say
so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to
provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to
enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the
leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist
and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they
go out and buy something which they call mulch. They
haul it home and spread it around in place of the
leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up
to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this
anymore. St.Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real
stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from St. Francis