Story of Noah's Ark

If the story of the "Great Flood" were to be told today, it would be
like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah, and said, "In six months I am going to make
it rain, until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil
people are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of
every kind of living thing on the planet...so I am commanding you, Noah,
to build an Ark." And then he delivered the specifications for the Ark.
Noah said, "OK", trembling with fear and fumbling with the blue prints.
"Six months...and it starts to rain!" Thundered the Lord, "You had
better have the Ark built by then, or learn to tread water for a very
long time!" Six months passed, the skys clouded up and the rain began
to fall! The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping,
and there was no Ark! "Noah, shouted the Lord...where is the Ark?" "Oh,
forgive me, Lord", begged Noah, "I did my best but there were BIG
problems."

"First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project,
and your plans didn't meet the code, so I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight on whether or not the Ark
needed a sprinkler system. My neighbor objected, claiming I was violat-
ing zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. So I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting
enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save
the spotted owl. I had to convince the Fish and Wild Life Service that
I need the wood to save the owls....but they wouldn't let me catch the
owls, anyway....so no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on
strike, I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a hammer or a saw, and
we now have sixty carpenters going on the boat. Then I started gather-
ing up animals. Promptly got sued by an animal rights group, they
objected to only taking two of each kind. Just when I got that suit
dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. Well,
they didn't take kindly to the idea that they didn't have jurisdiction
over the conduct of a "supreme being". Then the Army Corps of Engineers
wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan, so I sent them a globe.
Right now I am still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Patagonians I am sup-
posed to hire. The IRS has siezed my assets, claiming I am trying to
avoid payment of taxes by leaving the country! And I just got a notice
from the State, about owing them some kind of use tax! Lord I really
don't think I can finish that Ark for another ten years." Well, the
sky began to clear, and the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched
it's way across the sky.

Noah and looked up and smiled, and said "Lord, you mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?"......."No", said the Lord sadly, "your
government already has!"

And that is the story of Noah's Ark....if it were to happen today!