The rules of the road in and around D.C.

We had to have one of these,heehee.

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name.
It is D.C., or "the District", or "in town".
Only tourists call it Washington.

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than
a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's
obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map
is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase
in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway" ... which has no
beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals
believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop"
designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 10 AM. The evening rush hour
is from 3 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning,
especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins (aka Jack Kent Cooke,
FedEx Field) stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere
near PG County (you can only say PG if you live in PG).

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,
and shot at.

If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture"
you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as
soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382
languages, none of them English.)

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush
to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source
of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's
called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick.
(Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which
some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under
reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which
is even more confusing.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase,
"Oh, we're in Takoma Park".

If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by
definition, a tourist.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of
Leisure World in Silver Spring.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross
intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.

Exits at several highway interchanges only go in one direction.
Locals know workarounds but tourists go miles out-of-the-way.

And figuring out the maze of interconnecting loops on the GW Parkway
near Arlington National Cemetery is not for the squeamish.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50.
A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75.
(It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand)

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most
dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing
more comforting than seven lanes of traffic (50% tractor
trailors) cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything
less is considered downright chicken.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show.
Strap up and collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland and Virginia interstates
is the far right lane because no self-respecting local would ever be
caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders
are fair game also.

The far left lanes on all Maryland and Virginia interstates are
official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their
cell phones.
Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at
whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees,
it's the Skins opening day.

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May,
June, July, August and sometimes September.

If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $25 to park in the
stadium lot (over a mile away) and take the bus. It's cheaper then
getting towed and/or a jay-walk citation. By law, you're not
allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the stadium during
game days (for "safety" reasons).