Rules of Life!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
> Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
> and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
> removed.
>
> 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
> getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
> simply using the sink.
>
> 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed
> for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>
> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
> button.
>
> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
> will be afraid to cough.
>
> 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
> forget about the toothache.
>
> Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
> are:
>
> You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
> and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
> tape.
>
> Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
> Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
>
> If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
>
> And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never
> know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
>
>
> No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes