Things Hallmark Cards Don't Say

Got this in an email this morning - had me rolling! (Forgive me if this has already been posted...)

Things Hallmark Cards Don't say:

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What was I thinking?"

Congratulations on
your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age ...
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
what say we stop?

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father is?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.