North Dakota earns another dubious distinction

COLUMNIST LLOYD OMDAHL: North Dakota earns another dubious distinction


North Dakota got good news from the U. S. Census Bureau recently when it reported that our state is No. 1 in the country in some category again. We have the largest proportion of people 85 years of age and over - more than any other state in the union.

According to Richard Rathke of the North Dakota State Data Center in Fargo, we can look forward to a doubling of the number of folks 85 or older. That means we will be No. 1 for a long time without depending on the fickle finger of fate. If the trend continues, nobody in North Dakota will be left in the taxpaying bracket, which should make the tax limitation petitioners happy.

We were No. 1 once before. During the Cold War, our missile fields made North Dakota the No. 1 target for a nuclear attack by the Russians. Then the Berlin wall came down and the Russians left the scene, taking our No. 1 ranking with them. The late Milton Young, a member of the Senate Intelligence Oversight Committee, once told me that we couldn't trust the Russians. He was right.

While this new No. 1 ranking is heady stuff, it signals the need to reorient ourselves for the honor. We already have 16,000 people over 85, and that's just the beginning. First of all, our streets and highways will have more of those folks wheeling around. With little to lose, they may be just a little too gutsy on the streets and highways. More defensive driving courses will be required for the younger drivers; weekly refresher courses and reminder stickers on every knob in the cars for the elderly.

For sure, we'll have to find an alternative to life sentences in prison. Free room and board up to age 70 is acceptable to keep the really bad people locked up, but another 20 years of that stuff will bust the bank. In fact, the cost of Medicaid for aging prisoners already is killing us. (Excuse the figure of speech.) At any rate, life sentences will be longer without changing the laws. Maybe we'll have to change to half-life sentences.

Some poverty may appear since most folks don't have the resources to carry them endlessly into the future. Even at 70, they have enough money to get by only as long as they don't buy something. Anyone who lives into their 80s will just have to go back to work. Job training will take on a new meaning, given the memory problems involved.

Since heavy lifting will be out of the question, the job trainers will have to come up with some creative light work occupations. After all, everybody can't dust furniture. Maybe some of the oldsters could become humorists and storytellers. The young people won't listen to them but they could make the rounds of all the nursing homes. That will keep them occupied for a few decades. Of course, there won't be a joke that somebody in every audience hadn't heard - at least three times.

For those who can't work, new means of entertainment will be required. For most of them, the History Channel isn't. For me, it already isn't. I'm embarrassed to admit that I remember much of it, even though the Alamo thing is vague. Keeping the old folks entertained is going to be a real challenge. They get bored by a rainy afternoon but still want eternal life. By the time they hit a boring 85, they will think they've been through eternity and wonder what will come after that.

Taking note of the changing demographics, enterprising churches will come forward with appropriate worship services. Those churches with "traditional" and "contemporary" services already in place will be adding "geriatrics" services with hymnbooks consisting of revisions of the old familiar songs that may be old but no longer familiar. Here is what they will do to the old hymns:

"Tell Me the Old Old Story Because I Forgot How It Goes" ... "Blessed Insurance" ... "I Hope My Hearing Aid Is Working When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder" ... "We're Shuffling to Zion" ... "There Is a Medicare In Gilead" ... "In My Heart There Rings a Pacemaker" ... "Revive Us Again - and Again - and Again."

Not meaning to wish anyone ill, I would be willing to give up the No. 1 ranking this time and wait for some other category to come along. But then I'm not 85 - yet.

Omdahl is a former lieutenant governor of North Dakota and professor of political science at UND.