For Badseed: The Middle Wife

Chele, this is one of those much-forwarded stories. Who knows where it began...All I know is, it had to end up here! :)


The Middle Wife

How would you like to be this teacher? (A grammar school teacher from Miami remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students).

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two children myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own first-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a child, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Children bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The children are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Now the child is doing this hysterical duck walk; holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This child is sitting on the floor with her little hands miming water flowing away. "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe." They started counting, but never even got past ten"

"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff. They said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for him to do "

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.


~~~

Now for my (GW's) confession. When I was in pre-school, for my show and tell, I told where babies come from. My mom got a call from the teacher, Mrs. Goodfriend (yes, that was her name). The conversation went something like this:

Mrs. G: Hello, Mrs. W?

Mom: Yes?

Mrs. G: This is Mrs. G, Kimberley's teacher. I wanted to talk to you about her show-and-tell today.

Mom: What did she do?

Mrs. G: Well, she told where babies come from.

Mom: Was she accurate?

Mrs. G: Yes...She was accurate. She said the baby grows in the mommy's tummy and them comes out her "pachina".

...Hey, I was close!



This message was edited Mar 18, 2004 5:47 PM