More Martha Stewart Abuse

Why? Because it's fun to kick ppl while they're down.


The Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

10. Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about you... and that's a good thing!"
9. Contents of your curbside recycling tub are stolen,
reorganized, and replaced.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you everywhere - even after you leave the bathroom.
4. You discover that every napkin in the whole house has been folded into a swan.
3. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
... and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.


The Top 10 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tips:
Now if you actually do these, I will not be held responsible for your own STUPIDITY!
10. Leaving half-sucked lollipops out for sweet ants is a quick and easy way to add nutritional value to this already popular treat.
9. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you.
8. A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal.
7. In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
6. Adding a dash of Drano to your liver and onions won't kill the taste, but should numb your taste buds enough for you to swallow.
5. Remember: Steak + Crest does *not* equal "steak tartare."
4. Forget to pack the grill? No problem -- just spritz some olive oil on your engine block and you'll be cooking in no time!
3. Ground hamster adds a distinct tasty garnish to otherwise dull mealtimes... no, it doesn't taste like chicken.
2. Your screen door can also double as a handy cheese-grater!
and the #1 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tip:
1. For a real St. Patrick's day treat, leave the corned beef out on the counter for a week beforehand. You not only get the taste of corned beef, but it will be a festive shade of holiday green that will accent your dinner table just right.