Red Skelton's tips for a happy marraige

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," so I suggested the kitchen.

When out, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down" so I bought her an electric chair.

She told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was and she told me, "In the lake."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. It is dangerous to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust"