What A Deal!!

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have
her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld
figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that
his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said
he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand
until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his
wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed,
rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway
grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave
any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager
as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera
and observed by the stores security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

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DRUM ROLL
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(PAUSE)
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And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
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[You're going to hate me for this]:
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ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY