Simple Truths

Simple Truths

All teenagers should get a high school education -- even if they already
know everything.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on
two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 60-something. I'm $59.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment,
and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.