Rodney Dangerfield

FROM RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S ONLINE JOKE ARCHIVE

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous.
They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library.
I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night. The next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, "You're here for drinking." I said, "O.K., Your Honor,let's get started."

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.