Foot (in the)-and-mouth disease, UK-style

Who said the British didn't have a stiff whatever?

Thanks to Hugh Warwick for forwarding this
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'EVERYONE' TO BE SLAUGHTERED

In a precautionary measure the Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of British farming, everyone in the United Kingdom should be destroyed.

This policy was agreed by the Prime Minister late last night at a secret policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks. It was explained to the PM that, far from being their own fault, is simple country-dwelling folk, they could not be expected to deal with "citified new-fangled
nonsense" such as insurance" and "vaccinations".

Poverty-stricken farmer Derek Gadd of Oswestry, speaking to us by satellite link from his luxury yacht, currently moored in the Adriatic, said that if this crisis continued he would soon be down to his last three million in the bank, and he demanded that the taxpayer "bail me out immediately".

Mr Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is to ensure that "all living things" within a hundred mile radius of the British coast line are "immediately exterminated". The army and police have been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It is expected that
within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday.

Television companies are reported to be "overjoyed" at this news. Channel 4 is already planning a themed game show "Big
Barbecue" where the public will ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated first, and ITV will be showing 24 hour coverage, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.

Farming expert Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush commented that these
measures were "a proportionate and measured response to the
crisis - the Government's proposal is entirely understandable, I fully support them," he said as he booked his flight to New Zealand. It is expected that within two weeks of this policy being carried out foot and mouth disease will entirely eradicated from the United Kingdom. The Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan
was unlikely to affect the date of the General Election.

http://www.crazybonkers.com/FootandMouth.html
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"The problem with the gene pool is, there is no lifeguard."
(unknown author)

I hope no one is offended by this bit of Brit gallows humor.

Marsh