The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat
and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold
drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils,
plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy
as seeing what brings a smile to your face.
Knee: a device for finding rocks in your garden.
I once read about the dangers of gardening, so I quit reading for two weeks.
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and
blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks
how it worked. "So-so,'' she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''
I think, therefore I Yam.
- Ratbert
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
- Richard Diran
Definitions:
Boy: Noise with dust on it.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin: A grape with a sunburn.
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing,
and the lawn mower is broken.
Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar.
Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
You might press your luck.
What lives in winter, dies in summer,
and grows with its root upward?
An icicle.
Heart Beet
Do you carrot at all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
People are like Potatoes!
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others ...
They are called "Speck Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin ...
They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing ...
We call them "Hezzie Tators."
- From the laughalot-owner on the Net
Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden ...
They are called "Medi Tators."
There are those that try to maximize their crop yields while reducing expenses ...
We call them "Compu Tators."
- Mike Garofalo
What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming.
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbor.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
Botany I - Some Wrong Answers
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I always thought a yard was three feet,
then I started mowing the lawn.
