Just a couple of wee jokes to start ;-)

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.


When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,...

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.


Prince Andrew has said he's had some ups and downs in the past year.

Wouldn't that have something to do with being the Duke of York?


My girlfriend says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.


I said to my girlfriend, "I'm sorry for treating you really badly recently. How can I make it up to you?"

"Well you can take me to the cinema tonight."

"Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards."


I was saying to a stranger in the pub last night, "My granddad is 104 tomorrow."

"Wow!", he said, "what's his secret?"

"He was born a long time ago."



My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

"Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

"Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

"Monday."



My boss is such a typical Scotsman.

If you come into work late, he docks your pay.

If you come into work early, he charges you rent.


I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in."

"No problem, Sir. This is called the lobby."


My boss rang me this morning.

"You've got a meeting in five minutes," he said. "We need you to make this. Where are you?"

I said, "On the way to my car as we speak."

"Right," he said. "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."


The Beastie Boys are launching a new five-part fanzine, documenting their rise to stardom.

Parts A to D will be freely available in the shops for general purchase but, consistent with their band's ethos, you'll have to fight for your right to Part E.


I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.

I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.


I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelled so minty.