British One-Liners

I'm imagining some of my favorite British actors saying these, and I have tears in my eyes! LOL

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one."

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment."

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest."

You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".