Real Tool Definitions

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh @#$%"

Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing.

Table Saw: A large stationary power tool used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used to turn aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, or for opening old style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, and butchering your palms.

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Works particularly well on seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes.

Chainsaw: A tool used to justify major remodeling of your house, garage, or shed.... or the purchase of a 'new' vehicle after dropping a tree across them. Also known to expand the vocabulary of those around you after trying to get it started after leaving 'old gas' in it for several months.

Breaker Bar: Used to 'skin knuckles' or pinch fingers when you PUSH instead of PULL in using it or the bolt/nut it was being used on breaks or shears off.

12 Point Socket: The IQ LEVEL of persons using it to 'break loose' stubborn bolts or nuts. Generally, VERY SUCCESSFUL at 'rounding' off the heads of such fasteners.