RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato
salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens
turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that?
Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth,
knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.
2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your butt down until
someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be
independent. Nibble on them darn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until
someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little
butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna
tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed
upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories
about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except
for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their
you know where!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do
not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to
a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for
somebody who gives a care. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If
you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something
hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20
minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you
don't, you will be asked to stay your greedy self home next
year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a
plate in my good Tupperware knowing darn well that I will never see it
again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch
you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house
with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A
BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This
is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten
minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your
child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24
hours, I will call CPS on your ignorant self!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no
sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your butt
home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm.
You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen.
I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be
supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount
will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at
the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a
credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted.
Warmest regards!
